jokes & witticisms

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Dont tell me the skys the limit-There are footprints on the moon!

In case of emergency save me first!

Thinking outside the box makes me feel less claustrophobic.

I don’t trust quiz show hosts, they ask too many questions.

An arm and a leg are an odd form of currency.

Seeing eye to eye is a little closer to you than I want to be.

Light years are way less depressing than dark years.

There: the place a lot of people don’t want you to go.

The future is closer than you think, like one second from now.

I’m not vague, I’m just kind of, sort of, you know.

I don’t need any bling, I’m already a diamond in the rough.

Helium: the less invasive option to make you sound like a girl.

I cry over chopped onions, not spilt milk

Time flies when you throw a clock out of an airplane.

Grapes are raisins that remembered to used their sunscreen.

Shooting the breeze is a waste of ammunition.

Putting your money where your mouth is can’t be hygienic.

Poking fun makes fun really annoyed.

Santa didn’t leave me a lump of coal. It’s a pre-diamond.

Possessions are usually a good thing, unless they’re demonic.

All good things come to an end, except for circles.

Food fights: the eco-friendly way to resolve conflicts.

Source: (aka genius)


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